Attachment and … Detaching from Yoga?

(Maybe someone who is knowledgeable about this subject will be randomly reading, and can respond to my obvious cry for help in the post I’m about to write.)

Today I was told that I have quite a few abnormalities in my lumbar spine.  It’s funny when a doctor is reading MRI results, and you’re looking at their emotionless (yet kind; I love my doc) face and SORT of listening.  But once they say “quite a few abnormalities” and begin listing words like “tear” and “touching nerves” and “bulging”? All you hear is white noise.

I tried to pay attention, it wasn’t as though he was giving me a terminally ill diagnosis.  He mentioned steroids, he mentioned surgery, he mentioned the name of the specialist he would refer me to. And again, white noise.

I started to think of lying in savasana last night. My teacher was reciting a passage on lacking focus, our scattered, busy minds and distracted existence.  All it takes is a crack of thunder to bring us sharply aware, and suddenly for a moment we are meditating on thunder.  I’ve been meditating on my lumbar spine all day long.  Somehow, I don’t think my teacher meant for the point to come across that way.

I’ve been fearful, anxious, sad, and anticipating the worst.  All because of a simple diagnosis, and the idea of having to hold off on my practice, as well as dreading steroids.  I’m not practicing yoga off the mat.  I’m certainly not breathing through this, and I’m horribly attached to who I have been for the past few months.

  • Steroid-less
  • Calm/Even-tempered
  • Happy
  • Focused on practice as well as nutrition.
  • Active

I look at the symptoms of oral steroids and I think … nothing could be further from the above list.  Ha, especially you know, the first one.

Typing this up has helped me, even if it’s going out to a void. But, I do wonder if anyone with back issues is reading this, and if they are – might they offer some insight into this very confused, scattered, and frightened person?

My questions would be – did you resort to steroids? What was your experience with that? And if you did practice yoga, did you continue?


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